April 1, 2008 · 3:09 PM
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NHL Mandates Mullets for Players, Cites Fairness as Cause

In keeping with the recent tradition of rule tweaks and equipment mandates, the NHL and their competition committee has stated today that, starting with the 2008-2009 season, a mullet haircut will be required by all players with the ability to grow hair.

“The mullet has always been a part of hockey. It’s also become quite a distraction on the ice, however. So, instead of trying to eliminate the haircut, we have decided that ALL players will be required to have their business in the front, and their parties in the back. It’s only fair.” – Colin Campbell, Director of Hockey Operations

“Mullets are an unfortunate tradition of hockey that right now carry a lot of weight on the ice. Today’s rule change should help take away the power they have.” – Gary Bettman, NHL Commissioner

Many players have spoken out on the new change. While some are unaffected by the ruling due to their cueball status, the majority seem unenthusiastic about the idea.

“I’m a fantastic looking guy! This is going to be horrible for my image!” – Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins

However, there are a few players that are jumping on the chance to change their look.

“This is truly exciting! I’ve been looking for a good reason to grow my hair out again!” – Jarome Iginla, Calgary Flames

While the rule will not take effect until the beginning of the 2008-2009 season, an early announcement was deemed necessary in order to give players enough time to grow their hair. A grace period of one month will be given to players at the beginning of the season, then suspensions and fines will be handed out. Specifics on length and styles restrictions will be announced at the end of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. A video of the press conference can be found here.

2 Comments

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  • Fred Beery

    Will mullet wigs be allowed?

  • Heavy Lee

    I, for one, am cautiously optimistic at this new endeavor, because, while i completely understand the necessity of the League’s implementation of this long-overlooked staple of the hockey experience, if we do not have close observations and rules governing the mulletizing of the game, we will have a season of chaos, controversy and used-car-salesman-like confusion. I would like to humbly suggest four items for consideration as we venture forth into this new adventure so that we do not experience any achey-breakey hockey hearts.

    First, i would suggest that the League must regulate the size fo the mullet, as well as the general shape. I fear that devious individuals may, in a very underhanded maneuver, attempt to use the mullet for lift and artificially enhance their game. The principle of the wing or spoiler may be applied and give unfair advantage to those with more than capable stylists. I mean, will we have to refer to the hockey records as BME and AME (obviously meaning “Before Mullet Era” and latin for “In the Year of our Mullet…” respectively).

    Second, in order for the game’s reputation and appearance not to disgust and alienate the fans, the mullet’s upkeep during the game should be attended to as a matter of necessity. I would suggest that the league implement a Stylist box, not unlike a penalty box, in order to keep the looks “fresh” between shifts. On the ice for 40 seconds to a minute, straight to the Stylist Box, then over to the bench, fresh and ready for their next ice time. Realizing that a helmet will ultimately cramp the mulleted style of this new, exciting era, i would also suggest developing mullet styling products with the tensil strength and approximate weight of titanium.

    Third, the aforementioned products used in the Stylist Box should be monitored and be approved for hockey use only. Realizing that this masterful move of the hockey establishment will be mimicked by children and hockey fans everywhere, it is important to ensure their safe usage and to consider where these products come from. As a shout out to hockey’s great roots, I would suggest using as much Canadian and Scandanavian products as possible, complete with the appropriate spokepeople, such as a moose, eskimo and, of course, the Northern Lights. I mean, is there a better catchphrase by a big, strapping hockey youth than “My mullet puts the REAL in the Aurora BoREALis…eh?!”

    Fourth, and finally, I would suggest that much thought be given to the in-game rules implications of the mullet, such as: the use of the mullet in scoring (the Richochet Rule), the use of the mullet in goalie interference (the Eclipse Rule), the possible absorption or sticking of the puck into the mullet (the Black Hole Rule), and last, but most certainly not least, the no dancing due to channeling the spirit of Billy Ray Cyrus (the Don’t Ever Do That Again Rule).

    Realizing that i am but an amateur in the realm of hockey, its rules, its nuances and its subtleties, i respectfully submit my thoughts at the feet of one greater than myself…(but don’t tell my heart….my achey-breakey heart, i just don’t think it’d understand…but..)

    HEAVY LEE